Workaholic……

“There you are, you workaholic”

“No, I am not a workaholic”

“Yes, you are. It’s a Sunday and we’re out shopping and here you are at the textbook/workbook section of Popular!”

*head hangs in shame*

If you know me, you’d know that a large part of me is still a kid. I am probably one of the most playful person you know, especially at this age. Growing up, I’ve always thought my mother is a workaholic and I’ll never be like her. Ask me if i can sit home and do nothing, then of course I can’t. Ask me to be housewife, I think I might die. But ask me to work as hard as my mother, I’ll become dull Jill. But argh! Yanni called me a workaholic last week. This week Michelle calls me that. Oh dear! Am I working too hard? Not that I want to impress anyone. But, I have to do what I have to do. Maybe, as Michelle puts it, there is a passion that drives me (maybe driving me a bit too hard!)

I realized how excited I am over what I do on Sunday….

When I met the EL gang for an outing, I was dead tired and stressed out. The face was black and long. But when we sat down at Kim Gary (for lunch), and they asked me about my work, my face lit up and I started telling them so many fun stories….and I don’t know if they noticed it, but I felt my face lit up when they asked me about work. Hahaha…..I’m crazy.

ps: I wish I didn’t miss that person as much as I do…

Oh your God?

I don’t like to hear people say “Oh my God”…somehow, I just feel uncomfortable with it. I don’t discriminate against people who says it, but whenever I hear that remark, I’ll usually respond by saying, “Your God what?”

On Friday, I was supposed to administer a test. This is not my class. I was relieving Mr. A. This was a retest because they failed the previous test. So they were a bit nervous and unsure if they can do well. And by the looks of it, I don’t think they studied hard for it lah. And they were a bit of a nuisance coz they didn’t understand simple instruction such as “keep away all books and notes, keep quiet….” And then this boy suddenly exclaimed “Oh my God”. Then I turn to him (and with slightly raised voice) asked him, “Oh your god wat? What’s wrong with your god?” then he said, “I forgot something”, to which i replied “So, is it your god’s fault that you forgot that thing?” He was speechless. Then I said (rather coolly), “then, don’t simply say oh my god!”

Hahah! It felt like I won an argument.

Yes, so immature!

(This post is to release some of my stress! I have 40+40+20 scripts to mark by tonite! And their English is HORRIBLE!!!!!!!)

Having a lot of patients, eh?

Sometimes when I tell people what I do for a living, they have a tendency to conclude that I have “a lot of patience”. I cringe when people say that. Not that i’m extremely impatient but I am definitely not the most patient of people.

My students rarely get to see the ugly side of me because I make it a point to not throw my tantrum on them, unless they really deserved it. I go into every class with the best of efforts to smile and bring joy to the class. I’ve shouted at them, but that’s because they behave like they are kindergarten children. And honestly, I take so much of their nonsense that I am very sure other teachers don’t take. But maybe that is because I have a different take on what school should be like.

Which leads to the main reason for this post.

Sometimes I think I would never make it very high up in any rank because I’m such a rebel. Not a rebel for the sake of it but because there are just time when I don’t see eye-to-eye about something. And sometimes my subtle effort to not conform makes me pay a certain price. People who knows me well knows that I’m hard on principles. I don’t obey commands just because they are commands. I don’t obey rules just because they are there. If i think it is ridiculous, it will be difficult for me to follow and so I’ll have to talk to people to try to change the way I view certain things. But there are things that my mind is set upon. And if you also know how stubborn I am, you’d know how difficult it is for me to change my mind once it is set on something. But, I don’t think I am difficult to work with. HOWEVER, if I’m working with people who obey rules just to appease authorities, then oh boy, yes, you might find me difficult to work with.

And today wasn’t such a good day. Maybe because I had a rather “oh, shoot” day yesterday. And so I spoke to one of my friends about it (today), after having giving some thoughts to the incident of the previous day. And all my friend could say was ” you have to change your mindset”. I know I didn’t respond in the most polite of ways because I was already rather pissed by then. I know I might have sounded rather confrontational and challenging, because yes, I felt like challenging her mindset. I mean, what makes her think that my mindset is wrong and therefore I have to change? What about her? Has she given it much thought when she decided to obey the rules or is she following it blindly? I was pissed. But I stopped myself from being so confrontational, else she’ll be frightened.

In retrospect, it has made me feel that it is much better if I don’t question things/establishments so much. Maybe I’ll be happier to just obey blindly. Make others happy too. I don’t know.

But this brings me back to Josh’s issue about simple people. And assuming that simple people don’t think/challenge/criticize the way things work in any situation, then I think I can safely conclude that I have very low tolerance/patience for simple people. I don’t hate them. Just oh well, if Hitler rules now, maybe these simple people will kill rebels like me. *shrugs* and thank God Hitler is waaay gone…down!

(Shel, maybe that is why I can’t stand act-cute person too….coz she seem to me like an extremely simple person. Though, it is not her fault. I know. Not as an excuse for my behaviour, but sometimes you just can’t love everybody. I am trying though. Just at my wits-end.)

A random update

I brought work back home because I just finish them in school and yes, I know there is a chinese saying that we have a lifetime to complete difficult work. But hor, not really true. I’ve tonnes of marking to do and all to be done by end of this week because the marks have to be keyed-in to the system. So yes, I don’t have forever. The good thing is that I should be free-er by this weekend!!

I had a great time back home! Was just resting…I slept like I’ve not slept in ages, getting up for food or if someone needs to talk to me, if not, i’m asleep. I started working only on Sunday night. Yes, even though I’m supposed to be on a break, I brought work back to do because it needs to get done. But, time back home was great! Spending time with the parents and the sister. Didn’t get to spend much time with the brothers…but oh well, I will be back sometime soon too…..So, not to worry! hahaha.

Spent some time alone with weng yan! I wished we had a longer time to just talk but I think we wouldn’t have much to talk about too, especially looking at how unhappening both our lives are right now. Sigh.

Good to see the rest of the frennies too…Shel led YAF and it was great! She could’ve been a good teacher. Maybe to Secondary school kids or College kids… On a more personal reflection, I am beginning to realise how impatient I am to act-cuteness. I mean, i’ve always been impatient towards act-cuteness, but my impatience and intolerance have gone up another level. There are times when I feel like strangling the act-cuteness out of a person. Sigh.

Truly, where is the love Jee Lee?

I’m missing someone….

Eliza & her wood

She walked into the woods, with her head hung low. She does not know what to think or how to feel. Her mother told her to have faith but she can hear her mother’s gothic voice screaming at her, telling her that the world is an unkind place. And she has seen how that profound albeit scary statement has somehow become prophetic. Her only place to find peace is not even within herself because there is an inner turmoil within her. The woods call out to her.

She steps into the woods with her head hung low and shoulders heavy with a certain burden. Somehow the birds weren’t chirping, the rivers did not flow happily, the leaves were not rustling with busyness. There was no movement. It was very quiet. There was no music. There was no joy or happiness. There was no life. Eliza looked up in devastation. She felt as if she took the life away from the forest. It was happy and alive when she was looking in, from afar of. But now that she is in it, it seemed dead.

She walked with her head down, ashamed of what she has done to her only escapade. She walked towards the still river. Found her favourite spot and planted her feet into the river and caressed it, hoping to ignite the spirit it in, hoping to bring it back to life. She sang to it with the hope that the birds and leaves will chirp in.

From across the river, she notices a deer drinking water from her lifeless river. She was almost angry. She felt a certain hatred towards the deer. She blamed the deer for sucking life out of the river. And she stared at the deer with eyes that were shooting arrows at it. And then suddenly, the deer lifted up its beautiful head and its eye met Eliza’s. And her heart soften. She almost cried. She knows she cannot blame the deer. She saw how beautiful the deer is. It was very beautiful. It stared at her for a very long time, as if studying her. And then it did a curtsey. And left. Eliza felt rejuvenated. She felt the beautiful deer was telling her that it loved the river too, and that even if everything might seem dead to her, it was very much alive. It was giving life to the deer. Eliza knew she have to have faith. She knew that what she cannot see with her human eyes, other finite creatures could see clearly. Everything is alive. It’s just a matter of perspective. What you don’t see might not necessarily be absent. She was hopeful again.

Endless work

I hate planning lessons when I’m half dead because the creative juices ain’t flowing. But work needs to get done and I cannot avoid working.

Throughout last week, I’ve been feeling sick. But, I’m not down with flu or fever. I have occasional coughs but they are not serious. I cannot figure what is wrong because all I feel is discomfort. My body feels so tired and I’m often so lethargic. Now, I’m beginning to have headaches and I often feel feverish. And the condition has worsen because I even feel nauseous.

And trust me, I don’t feel like working but I have stacks and stacks of work to mark. The kiddos have been sitting for tests the past 2 - 3 weeks. So yes, on top and above their weekly “newspaper articles reflection”, I have a whole load to mark. And I need to finish all these marking latest by next week because that’s when I have to key in all the marks! shoot!!!!!!! And I’ve planned it such that students will not need to submit any written work to me this week. I’m tired of marking and i’m pretty sure students are tired of writing. So, we’re just going to have various activities during class this week! No writing assignments! A break would be good for them and for me! yay!

Broken but rebuilt

I’ve been a firm believer in: our achievements do not have any bearings on our identity.

Thus, I’ve never really been very affected by results or achievements. Sure, I’m happy when I get an A or I’m sad when I see a D or I’m disappointed when I expect an A but only get a B/C. But I’ve never been this affected.

On Sunday, I met up with Karen and one of the things I told her was that if God wants us to do something, be sure to expect the devil to come and try to thwart that plan of God’s and “help” us to move in a direction that is opposite of what God would want us to. And so it is our responsibility to always check that we’re moving in the right direction.

And, as usual, I get hit by what I “preach”.

On Monday, I was extremely disappointed with a result of my performance. And that brought about doubt of my ability, my calling, my competence. But, I tried to not allow that to dampen my spirits. So I went to work with a half-smile on my face the next day.

Little did I know Tuesday was going to be worse.

My client acted up and was rather unimpressed with the work I presented to them, even though I worked my butt out for what I presented to them, wanting it to not only be as attractive as possible, but also that it be most effective. And so I endured their bouts of chattering and doing their own business as I was presenting, until I couldn’t endure anymore. Towards the end of my presentation, I just told them that I’m giving up, that if they don’t want to accept what I’m presenting and they want to continue on with their business, I’ll just leave them with that. And as I spoke, I felt tears forming. And so I stopped, packed up and was intending to leave. But I wanted them to know that if this is the choice that they are making, they will bear the consequence of it. However, the longer I stood there, the more I was overwhelmed with a sense of incompetency, inadequacy. That it did not matter how much effort or thought I’ve put into delivering a presentation worthy of their attention, because at the end of the day, I’m not good at what I do. And the tears did not stop flowing. They did not stop till I went to bed that night.

People who knew what happened tried to encourage me and for that I was thankful but nothing helped. I came back and cried my heart out to God. I asked Him “WHY. Why such a discouragement? Why did this happen? Am I really that bad at what I do?” All I got from Him was to trust Him. I don’t know what exactly to trust Him in but I decided to just go to sleep or else I would cry till my eyeballs dropped out.

Today I went to work with a dull face. I’ve always believed in God’s mercy is new every morning and that we should not let what happened the day before to affect us the next day. But, I was incapable of smiling. I tried smiling and wishing my colleagues a good morning but I know the smile wasn’t as wide as other days. I know I was still unhappy. I know I still felt like crying. I know I didn’t want to be at work. I tried coming up with reasons to be home, i tried coming up with lies to tell the doctor in order to gain an MC. But Kel felt I should stay at work and rightly so. I stayed at work (and was rather inefficient) and continued praying that God would somehow lift my spirits up.

God is good and He answered my prayers. I felt much better a few hours before my meeting with them and so when I went into the conference room, I could smile (and mean it). They are humans and they make mistake, but I have to believe that they are not malicious and they did not mean harm. They just did not know what they were doing.

And so I presented and this time they were more accepting.

But the thing that got me smiling as I went home was not that the day did not end as poorly as I thought it would, but that God is good and I can trust Him to come to my rescue when I need it. And it also taught me that no matter how disappointed I am, or angry I am, I believe in my clients AND that is important! That is why I am called to do what I am called to do!

Life, oh life….

I was thinking about what to blog about and the sudden realisation that I’ve nothing to blogged about caused a certain amount of discontentment.

I’ve nothing to blogged about because all there has been to my life (at least for the past one week) is work. And so that is a bit sad. Don’t get me wrong, I do not dislike what I do at work. But the fact that work is taking up so much of my time that it leaves little time for my social life is (you have to admit) quite sad. That said, I have to debunk what others think of my job. I know I’ve over and over again mentioned that I’m tired and practicum is exhausting (my physical and emotional strength), however, I do have time to go out but it is the energy (or the lack thereof) that encourages me to head back home rather than go out.

I have been socialising, albeit only with fellow teachers (whether colleagues or fellow NIE friends). Still, I’ve been getting my dose of social life.

I’m feeling a little sickly already. So, please pray. When one is exhausted, one’s immune system weakens. So yes, my throat is hurting and my nose is feeling like it’s gonna get flu-ey. I don’t want to fall sick! Reason #1, I don’t want to go see the doctor. #2, I cannot afford to get MC (at least not now! Maybe after my observations are done, I can afford MCs). The time now in school is just crucial (to build rapport and to teach as much as possible).

Update

Monday Blues was probably the other factor for the previous post.

It is Thursday and even though I’m very tired and exhausted, I’m also happy that the week is coming to an end. I had my 5th observation today and I thought it was a better observation for this particular class. So, thank God even though it was pretty messy in the beginning and I thought to myself, “I’m so dead!” but after shooting a quick prayer to God, it became better. So that was good! Thank God!

It’s the end of the 5th week for Teaching Practicum (TP) and so I find myself really happy that I’m halfway through this arduous journey but at the same time feeling extremely exhausted. I was supposed to stay back in school for a little while today because two students were supposed to come see me with questions. And so I stayed back even though I was having great difficulty in staying awake. After waiting for about an hour and they didn’t show up, I left. I was supposed to meet Kel but she had to do something last minute. So, I went home, which was a good turn of events because I came back, put my bag down and change and den immediately went to bed. I’m so exhausted.

I really thank God for Anthony (fellow practicum mate) because we get to trash things out, talk to each other and cheer each other on when things seem a bit difficult to handle. I get to go to him when I’m feeling really tired and just need someone to poke me. Haha

I love my job, even though it is tiring to the max. But, my heart breaks whenever I hear the stories of my students’ life. I can’t help but feel pity and emphatise with them because they have to go through so much at such a young age. The tendency of them becoming just so jaded with life, become so cynical is so high. I wish they know the power of love and of hope. Sigh.

I’m planning for a trip to India sometime soon. Don’t want to go alone but don’t know of anyone who would want to go with me. It wouldn’t really be a mission trip but to just visit and encourage the missionaries there. Maybe go and do some missionary work but it wouldn’t be the main objective of the trip. So yeah. If I do go (which is highly possible), then I do not know when I will see my family next.

Gloomy

It’s not just the weather.

I’ve been feeling like that since Saturday (or worse, maybe even since Thursday).

Maybe it is the exhaustion that is affecting me, or the stress.

I don’t know.

I just know I feel a little under the weather.